So that’s it, I’ve officially moved into the Greater London Area. The Luv Luv is still in school in Manchester. That means we’re 5 hours apart, renting two different apartments (both as students now) and living two different lives. Again. No I’m not happy about going back into a long distance marriage for the second time, and honestly am not 100% sure that it will last past this time, but I have no choice at this point and am willing to try to make it work. This decision was not made lightly, even though it was made in a hurry – I had applied for jobs since February and had not gotten a single positive response nor a single interview. We went through a few different options and figured that this was the best option since I was planning on doing this when we moved to London anyway, and the long distance between us was shorter than if I moved back to Trinidad or Canada to work. I’m in London to pursue my Masters degree while he’s continuing on the educational path that brought us to England in the first place.
Here are some thoughts that have popped into my head during the last few days about being in a long distance marriage yet again:
We have to start dating again
You know, after one year apart it was really difficult to just move back in and try to pick up from where we left off. I don’t think that meant we weren’t meant to be together, I just think that we lived apart for a year, had separate experiences and changed (as people do) on two different paths. Yes, we spoke everyday, face-timed each other constantly and even visited when we could, but that’s not the same as growing in a relationship and in life with someone. That means, that I believe that we need to learn about each other again, not quite from the get-go, but at least from where we left off when the Luv Luv left for England and I was in Toronto for that year. What has changed? What wants and needs does the other one have? What do we like and no longer like? I think by dating we can re-discover each other and therefore make both our lives that little bit easier when we once again live together.
We have to maintain our independence
Before the Luv Luv and I were married, we lived together for seven years. We moved in together only a few months after meeting each other (whether or not we meant to…it sorta just happened at first), and we never had a chance to really explore our independence by ourselves – because we were both so young! I was 23 and he was 21 when we met and by a year after that we were running our household together. Now that we’ve lived on our own as adults (thanks to our long distance relationship), we have both found an independence that the other is not quite used to. I think we have to explore our respective new-found personal independence and to maintain it while we are together – I think that will just make us happier in ourselves and maybe allow us to not worry and fret as much about the other person.
We have to be more vocal
As an adult, we continue to morph even though technically we’re supposed to have stopped growing. These changes result in new boundaries – and these new boundaries have to be respected by your long-distance partner….it’s hard to grow and learn your partner’s new boundaries when you’re so far away, so you have to depend on being more vocal. Communication is key in any relationship, and now that you’re so far away, it is even more vital than it was before. We have to talk more about what has changed in us, explain our logic and have more conversations on a personal level, rather than what so and so said or did that was funny. Focus on us, on our relationship, on our person and our psyche and try to maintain the strength of the bond of our relationship as much as possible.
This is not to say that these tips will save a relationship from failing during or after a long-distance relationship, but for the Luv Luv and I, I believe it may be key to improving our chances. Do you have any tips for surviving a long-distance relationship (before, during or after)? I’d love to hear what you have to say!
(Oh, and PS, just for the Luv Luv, see the YouTube video below, for you from me)