Wow, my life has been turned upside down – some of it literally.
I know I’ve been harping on about missing my husband and having to move all year, but this sh*t has become real. My living room looks like a hurricane hit it, yet I feel like nothing’s getting done.
In my typical fashion, sudden and fast change has made me turn into myself and I’m trying desperately to get out of my bad habits so that I could help – so that we can actually get some of this household stuff sold so we can use the money for the move. Otherwise, we’re donating everything household to a women’s shelter a friend of mine is involved with.
At the same time, as I so gently announced a little while ago, we are TTC – and that has been stressing me out. I know, I know this process is NOT supposed to be stressful – but it has become so – possibly because so much is up in the air. I thought I was pregnant last month, while in Orlando with my parents – my menses were late and I was ultra-excited and had to physically remove myself from the room to prevent spilling the beans to my Mom. It turned out that it wasn’t to be, however and my monthly visitor did show up. It was so disappointing. I mean heart-wrenchingly disappointing. I know, I know it was only the first month of us trying but does it have to be so debilitating? God has a cruel sense of humour.
At the same time it has me wondering if maybe the rides I went on in Orlando killed my potential baby? I mean I was a week late, and they do say if you’re an expectant mother not to get on them. My husband keeps saying it wasn’t and that they mean expectant mothers who know for a fact, but I can’t help wondering at times. I mean…(and sorry to gross you out), it was chunky – was that pieces of my unborn child trying to grasp onto the side of my uterus?
I know I’m silly (and gross I’m sorry) but those are the thoughts flying through my head.
The move and the failed attempt at getting pregnant aren’t the only things getting to me. As you know I’m recovering from my mental health issues and was attending a group Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) group – well the group finished just after the Luv Luv returned. So not only am I struggling to do this on my own again, but I”m struggling to do this on my own while getting used to living with the Luv Luv. I’ve not had to take care of this healing process while anyone is around, so now I’m struggling to find my peaceful time per day as well as to figure out how to explain what I am doing and what I need from the Luv Luv. How do you explain something to people that you don’t fully understand yourself?
Am I being silly? Am I doing what I normally do (overthinking)? *sigh*
Chaos Abounds and Change is ALWAYS difficult, but I did not think that it would all drop on my shoulders at the same time in the manner it has. I have been dealing with well on the outward front, I think – not many people would know I”m going crazy inside. A lot of people have praised me, saying that I’m handling it so well, but am I? I’m sleeping a ridiculous amount, when I get up all I want to do is crawl back into bed – and only have been fighting that for the past two days. I don’t want to try to get pregnant again because I’m scared of the disappointment. I’m avoiding everything to do with moving – official or non-official. I’m struggling to reach back to the independent, strong, positive-thinking person that I’ve been boasting I had almost become over the last few weeks.
And blogging? Well, you may have noticed it has come to a halt – well almost a halt – mostly guest posts and the reviews and giveaways I have to get done – and then not much else. I apologise – it may be that way until we settle down a bit in England in about a month or so – I am a bit busy fixing things IRL around here and don’t have that much time to play around on Twitter or to write. It’s one reason I’ve given up my fiction although scriptic.org has started up since Indie Ink went down. I will slowly find my way back, just please have patience and give me a little time.
Thank you for listening and do you have any advice for any of this?