I’m so perfectly serious.

I decided today that all toilets hate me.  IF they could somehow get themselves unglued from the floor & unhooked from the plumbing and figure out how to be mobile, they’d remove themselves from their washroom duties, and I’m 100% sure that they’d get together in a crazy toilet lynch mob and just clobber me to death…

Seriously…

I imagine EnSuite plots against me like this one is

It started when I moved into my apartment.  There are two toilets, En Suite and Guest.  Yes I just personified my toilets by giving them names – and at the same time informed you of where they reside (at least until they become maniac monster toilets as mentioned above) in my apartment.

En Suite and Guest are very grumpy.  They like to make noise randomly.  You know, the kind of random when you’re just about to fall asleep in blissful quiet and they scream at you waking you up in the not pleasant at all way?  That kind of random noise.

Okay, it’s not quite a scream…they just run every ten minutes or so…..to such an extent that I don’t even notice it anymore…except when the apartment is blissfully quiet.  Then they plot….giggling quietly that they could startle the living daylights out of me just by pretending that they aren’t working properly….then…they wait for that perfect moment…the sweet spot of slumberland and then let it go full force.  Running noises.  Running noises that make me jump so high that I almost fall of the bed.

Why are you laughing?  Haven’t you realized I have sadistic toilets in my apartment?  Please save me!

To make things worse, En Suite realized at some point recently that I’m the only one who uses her (yes her because she’s a b*tch and a half…or more) because I banished my hubby to the “boy” washroom.  En Suite doesn’t know how good she has it…seriously….fricking hormonal b*tch should be happy I don’t unleash a boy pee onto her (yes ONTO not into).

Guest is just a dopey follower .

Anyways – EnSuite has decided to go into full fledge battle mode.  She doesn’t flush properly anymore.  No no not the gross kind – everything goes down (why’d she do that?  She’d just get filthy…)…but all her parts have mysteriously decided to stop working.  So …. I’d flush and happily be washing my hands….and then ten minutes later she’d still be re-filling.

This prompts me to open up the toilet and jiggle the chain so the little flappy thing falls down….that is if the chain doesn’t fall off first.  It all depends on EnSuite’s mood and how she fancies to frustrate me that day.

EnSuite has also discovered something new.  She discovered that if water goes out of her bowl or her tank, I cuss like a sailor….and she apparently loves it.  So…what has been happening recently, is that I flush, she forces me to jiggle her chain and flap, then she sneakily raises her little black tube out of the PVC pipe in her and sprays me full force in the face with water…..and the neighbouring sink, cabinet, bin, floor and anything else she can manage to get it on before I figure out what’s going on.

I also think EnSuite is in love with Luv Luv – because I think she does it just so that he laughs at me.  Becuase he does.

Maybe I should switch bathrooms, but I’m scared that some sort of toilet telepathy will occur between EnSuite and Guest and then Guest will act up too – just to see my face when she (yes again a she) sprays me and just to hear me cuss like a sailor.  I’m not too sure she’ll partake in making the hubby laugh though ’cause he pees on her (as I’ve mentioned many times on my blog).

So I’ve settled in the fact that the toilets in my apartment hate me, especially EnSuite.

I then decided to fall in love with my toilet at work, Middle.

There are three toilets in the women’s washroom, but I love Middle the most.  No one else seems to like Middle – and I love that because that means she’s the cleanest of the three.  I never get how people are so mean to toilets outside of their homes – I mean if you can treat your toilet that badly in public, I’d hate to see how you treat your toilets at home behind closed doors.

EnSuite don’t know how good she got it.

SEE?!  They’re dangerous!

Anyways, I thought Middle loved me back because I’ve been faithful (for the most part) unless she’s cheating on me with someone else (which I accept grudgingly) or unless someone’s mistreated her to such an extent that I want to vomit (we’ve all been there ladies).

That was….until I went to visit Middle today.  And I tried to flush.  And she flushed.  But her handle came off in my hand.

I think EnSuite is sending messages out there.

If you see headlines in the papers soon “Woman trampled and sprayed to death by toilets”, you know it’s me.

PS- I forget where I downloaded the photos from – just google image search “monster toilets)