Toilets hate me

I’m so perfectly serious.

I decided today that all toilets hate me.  IF they could somehow get themselves unglued from the floor & unhooked from the plumbing and figure out how to be mobile, they’d remove themselves from their washroom duties, and I’m 100% sure that they’d get together in a crazy toilet lynch mob and just clobber me to death…


I imagine EnSuite plots against me like this one is

It started when I moved into my apartment.  There are two toilets, En Suite and Guest.  Yes I just personified my toilets by giving them names – and at the same time informed you of where they reside (at least until they become maniac monster toilets as mentioned above) in my apartment.

En Suite and Guest are very grumpy.  They like to make noise randomly.  You know, the kind of random when you’re just about to fall asleep in blissful quiet and they scream at you waking you up in the not pleasant at all way?  That kind of random noise.

Okay, it’s not quite a scream…they just run every ten minutes or so… such an extent that I don’t even notice it anymore…except when the apartment is blissfully quiet.  Then they plot….giggling quietly that they could startle the living daylights out of me just by pretending that they aren’t working properly….then…they wait for that perfect moment…the sweet spot of slumberland and then let it go full force.  Running noises.  Running noises that make me jump so high that I almost fall of the bed.

Why are you laughing?  Haven’t you realized I have sadistic toilets in my apartment?  Please save me!

To make things worse, En Suite realized at some point recently that I’m the only one who uses her (yes her because she’s a b*tch and a half…or more) because I banished my hubby to the “boy” washroom.  En Suite doesn’t know how good she has it…seriously….fricking hormonal b*tch should be happy I don’t unleash a boy pee onto her (yes ONTO not into).

Guest is just a dopey follower .

Anyways – EnSuite has decided to go into full fledge battle mode.  She doesn’t flush properly anymore.  No no not the gross kind – everything goes down (why’d she do that?  She’d just get filthy…)…but all her parts have mysteriously decided to stop working.  So …. I’d flush and happily be washing my hands….and then ten minutes later she’d still be re-filling.

This prompts me to open up the toilet and jiggle the chain so the little flappy thing falls down….that is if the chain doesn’t fall off first.  It all depends on EnSuite’s mood and how she fancies to frustrate me that day.

EnSuite has also discovered something new.  She discovered that if water goes out of her bowl or her tank, I cuss like a sailor….and she apparently loves it.  So…what has been happening recently, is that I flush, she forces me to jiggle her chain and flap, then she sneakily raises her little black tube out of the PVC pipe in her and sprays me full force in the face with water…..and the neighbouring sink, cabinet, bin, floor and anything else she can manage to get it on before I figure out what’s going on.

I also think EnSuite is in love with Luv Luv – because I think she does it just so that he laughs at me.  Becuase he does.


Maybe I should switch bathrooms, but I’m scared that some sort of toilet telepathy will occur between EnSuite and Guest and then Guest will act up too – just to see my face when she (yes again a she) sprays me and just to hear me cuss like a sailor.  I’m not too sure she’ll partake in making the hubby laugh though ’cause he pees on her (as I’ve mentioned many times on my blog).

So I’ve settled in the fact that the toilets in my apartment hate me, especially EnSuite.

I then decided to fall in love with my toilet at work, Middle.

There are three toilets in the women’s washroom, but I love Middle the most.  No one else seems to like Middle – and I love that because that means she’s the cleanest of the three.  I never get how people are so mean to toilets outside of their homes – I mean if you can treat your toilet that badly in public, I’d hate to see how you treat your toilets at home behind closed doors.

EnSuite don’t know how good she got it.

SEE?!  They’re dangerous!

Anyways, I thought Middle loved me back because I’ve been faithful (for the most part) unless she’s cheating on me with someone else (which I accept grudgingly) or unless someone’s mistreated her to such an extent that I want to vomit (we’ve all been there ladies).

That was….until I went to visit Middle today.  And I tried to flush.  And she flushed.  But her handle came off in my hand.

I think EnSuite is sending messages out there.

If you see headlines in the papers soon “Woman trampled and sprayed to death by toilets”, you know it’s me.

PS- I forget where I downloaded the photos from – just google image search “monster toilets)

  • BewilderedBug

    LMAO 🙂

  • Lisa

    Heehee! 🙂 That is exactly how your post here was for me. I had to type between the giggles. 🙂

  • BewilderedBug

    Hee hee I am dying – I'm sorry I can't even come up with a good response I'm laughing too hard.

  • Lisa

    Heehee! Your questions made me giggle. I also love the use of "bum." I prefer that term, so yay! 🙂 I only lift my feet enough to avoid the water from the other stalls. I have no water in my astrological chart, so of course, I attract all kinds of water mishaps. My kitchen faucet exploded once on me. All of our trips to the family cabin have had water issues. (When hubby calls my name up there, I just automatically come running with a bucket and mop. Heehee!). As a kid, I used to worry that I'd get swept down the hatch when I flushed the toilet. My mom once had a live bird in her toilet that got in there from the chimney (sorry, Mom, if you read this since I shared her post with you!). Heehee!

  • BewilderedBug

    I am trying to get the visual of you lifting your feet. That means ur bum has to be down or do you balance on ur hands? I don't like to touch public toilet seats….and I only use them if I am forced to.
    For sure – share it – it's funny but is one of my main frustrations at home these days.

  • Lisa

    Hysterical! You're lucky though to have 2 toilets. I'm jealous since I only have one working one in my house. I myself seem to attract the monster toilet mishaps of others. I've been in public restrooms in places like airports where my neighbors toilet will explode, leak, etc. I've become very skilled at lifting up my feet while attending to the call of Nature. When I was a serious bike racer, fellow female racers would complain about the portable toilets or outhouses. Not me. I couldn't imagine the real ones being able to take everyone's releasement's prior to their starts. I also have this theory that if you use the bathroom at your mother-in-law's, it won't flush. Just sayin'. Thanks for the laughs. I have to share this with my family and friends too since well, we are into the bathroom type of humor…

  • BewilderedBug

    lol – I can't imagine Ensuite & Guest with kids. I think they'd actually try to drown them. Thank you for your perfect comment 🙂

  • Lynne Ahrens

    I feel for you, I ended up giving mere Male in this house the ensuite because he had the bath and I do love a bath. Luckily the whole bathroom is MINE all MINE. 3rd toilet downstairs that gets the guests and most of the yuck jobs done there.

  • Sandra Tyler

    Oh, this is TOO funny — where did you ever get those pics? As to toilets for me, I'm AFRAID of them, as my boys have not yet learned what is too much toilet paper to stuff down them; usually at Gramma's house. The other day I said a little prayer as I flushed (they never remember to) and watched the water rise slowly but steadily over the bowl… 'Shit, shit, shit." accurate enough.

  • BewilderedBug

    I am glad to know toilets hate you more than me. Keep in touch, that way if you disappear, I know te toilets will be coming for me next!! ;p. Thanks for commenting 😉

  • BewilderedBug

    LMAO I think toilet designers everywhere laugh at us all and create their own toilets that actually work. I think automatic toilets are the prima donnas of the lot. They don't like what you drop into them so they spit it back…

  • BewilderedBug

    Lol I am taking care of it – as soon as the expenses for this month are paid off, Ensuite and Guest are being tossed out the door (shh they don't know it yet!)

  • BewilderedBug

    This story I need to hear (although when I think of it I do have a few hair dryers that tried to ear my hair too…)

  • BewilderedBug

    WAS IT?! LMAO!!

  • BewilderedBug

    Not just my toilets – I think they conspire against me – ALL toilets will be actin like this soon! It's like war of the worlds, just with toilets!!

  • BewilderedBug

    I made you smile 😉

  • BewilderedBug

    I just google image searched Monster Toilets – I can't remember exactly which websites.

  • BewilderedBug

    That's the thing – I've hired plumbers!! EnSuite just shaves when they're here ten as soon as they leave….back to her old tricks!!

  • Alana Mautone

    Well….My two toilets at home decide at random when they are going to overflow, for no apparent reason. It's usually either right before I leave for work or right before going to bed. And then at work, we have four stalls to choose from. There is the Spraying toilet, the one that flushes for 5 minutes straight, the one with the handle you have to jiggle just right to get it to flush, and the one whose seat is always up first thing in the morning, although it is a Ladies Room. Too funny, glad to know I'm not the only one!

  • Riki Cleveland

    I have just stopped laughing after fifteen minutes, long enough to comment on this post. I also have toilet issues, however only at work, where she is an "automatic flushing" model that flushes only when I am seated….and not when I am finsihed with my personal business. I am yet to attend work one day where I do not sigh in frustration as she flushes while I am seated, then dance around like a deranged monkey trying to make her motion detector realize that I am actually through.

  • Roy A. Ackerman, Ph.D., E.A.

    I shared this story with my partner. For about five years, we were "immersed" in commodes. And, developed a fantastic appreciation and respect for Sir Thomas Crapper- he earned his peerage.
    BTW, you do know that you need to take care of these- not only to save the sewer charges (which are typically thrice the water fees), but because water is a precious commodity.

  • MJ Scott

    Toliets are evil but not as evil as hair dryers. I believe they are designed to detroy my life.

  • rusti

    ps – how ironic is it that the ad below the comments is a picture of a toilet? LOL!

  • rusti

    this had me cracking up 🙂 sorry your toilets hate you!! *hugs*

  • Jo Bryant

    So funny. Hahahahaha

  • Shiv

    Hahaha. Hilarious. Where did you get the pictures from?

  • Jackie

    LOL! That is just to damn funny!! I think that you need to hire a plumber to come over and show your toilet a good time!